St. Clair Penitentiary
by Jeff Stevens (1st degree murder, assault)
If you're looking for something light and simple, you'll in for some hard times at St. Clair. My request for veal saltimbocca was a simple one, and well within the capabilities of any competent kitchen. Unfortunately, the cooking staff (if a bunch of reprobates guilty of assault with deadly seasoning is worthy of the name) decided to vent their frustrations on my final meal. I can only assume that once they've finished delivering 50,000 volts through my corpse, it will not be one tenth as black and crispy as that poor calf. I would be remiss in mentioning that the pommes frites were surprisingly fresh and crispy and the accompanying remoulade was an unexpected lagniappe. However, I will still be delivering my vengeance upon those culinary fools...IN HELL!
Rating: 2 chairs!
Wollstone Maximum Security Prison
by Andrew "Rocco" DeStephani (1st degree murder, extortion, assault, racketeering)
Their stuff's good. My burger was big and hot and the brew I asked for wasn't one of those crappy foreign kinds with those friggin' dots over the o. It was a bud. The fries were a little overcooked, though, and I think they cooked it in beef tallow, instead of the vegetable oil I asked 'em to use. Ah, well. What's it matter anyway? Happy Eatin'!
Rating: 3 chairs!
Sumners Supermax Prison
by Daniel Mallory (1st degree murder, four counts, 2nd degree murder, seven counts, arson, sexual assault)
I had heard good things about the last meals here during my last nine years of appeal. Let me tell you, I was not disappointed. I was a little distracted (understandably!), so I went with a simple surf and turf order. They presented me with a Cajun shrimp/Kobe beef combo that made me think I'd already died and gone to heaven. (Hey, a man can dream, right?) Dessert was a peach cobbler just dripping with clotted cream and all I can say is it's a good thing I don't have to worry cholesterol! I only wish I had time to also sample their cherry pie, which I've heard from several former roommates is, if you'll pardon the expression, to die for. Well, the warden's here, so I gotta go! Wish me luck!
Rating: 4 chairs!
(We're always looking for new reviewers here at Prison Times. If you're coming to the end of your sentence and wouldn't mind jotting down 50 or so words before the end, send us a note at email@example.com. If you've been stripped of email privileges, we can be reached through your prison chaplain. Happy eating!)