INTRODUCTION: First off, we must congratulate you on your purchase of a "Dr. Destructo" brand "Firestorm Doomsday Device"- easily the most elite, exclusive mass-destruction device ever made. Rest assured that your "Firestorm" was constructed by skilled craftsman to exact specifications and, if activated, will ensure a smooth, trouble-free removal of all life from the planet.
HOW DOES IT WORK?
Well, for safety reasons we can't reveal exactly how the "Firestorm" works, but essentially, it uses a special process to set all of the oxygen in the atmosphere on fire. The resulting blaze will quickly (though painfully) kill every man, woman and child on earth. (NOTE: The "Firestorm" is designed for intimidation purposes only, and should on no account actually be activated.)
SO, IT DOESN'T WORK?
No, it works. Since a threat is no good if you can't back it up, we've made the "Firestorm" one hundred percent effective and you have our guarantee that it will entirely consume this planet in a sweeping torrent of fire and ash. We're just saying don't do it. (NOTE: The firestorm has been tested in a number of computer simulations, but has not undergone actual testing, for obvious reasons.)
BUT IF I DON'T USE IT, HOW CAN IT HELP ME?
Well, as you might imagine, there are any number of wealthy organizations in the world (The United Nations, The World Bank, Canada) that would be greatly affected by
the end of all life. And even if you're not comfortable going that large, keep in mind that even poor people will give up most of their possessions to keep from dying.
SO, I START THE MACHINE AND PEOPLE GIVE ME MONEY?
No, you tell people to give you money OR you'll start the machine. The key is to give them a choice: a life with less money or keep the money and have less life.
BUT, WHAT IF THEY DON'T GIVE ME WHAT I WANT? WHAT THEN?
Then, you start the machine. (NOTE: Do not actually start the machine.)
THAT SOUNDS TOO EASY! WHAT'S THE CATCH?
The catch is that, if you activate it, you will die along with the rest of the world. But, isn't that a small price to pay for the chance at having a lot of money?
CAN IT BE USED MORE THAN ONCE?
Well, no. Once there's no more oxygen in the atmosphere, the process will stop and the machine, and all life on the planet, will be no more. However, it can be used for intimidation more than once, as long as you choose another organization to target.
SINCE I CAN USE IT AGAIN, WOULDN'T IT JUST BE EASIER TO START IT UP NOW AND SAY I'LL USE IT AGAIN IF THEY DON'T GIVE ME WHAT I WANT?
NO! Again - if you do that, the entire world you know will be completely destroyed. Everything. Your dog. Chicago. Brian Bosworth. Everything will be destroyed. EVERYTHING!
SO, IF I WERE TO ACTIVATE THE MACHINE, WHICH I WON'T, HOW WOULD I DO IT?
Simply press the large, red button on the front.